I thought I would pimp the new official UK poster for Solo A Star Wars Story, but I thought this Solo supercut trailer by Film Threat drives home some punches about what the film will look and smell like.
My Brief Epilogue for Star Wars The Last Blunder
There is a bad taste in the mouths of hardcore Star Wars fans. With the crippling overstocks of some terrible merchandising and a whitewash of all the iconic original trilogy characters, the only worthwhile memories of Star Wars The Last Jedi are just some impressive visuals and the death of Laura Dern’s character, Holdo. It’s OK Jar Jar, you can finally come out now… You are not the worst character anymore.
When I saw Rogue One (Episode 3.5), it gave A Force Awakens and the other two upcoming saga episodes (VIII & IX) a very bright optimistic future for us fans, but the Disney task force that has all hell to pay for branding A Long Time Ago… with an opening scroll for that last two-hour-pointless-cinematic-pile-of-horse-shit has a swamp of shit to waddle through to regain the trust of the largest fan base in the world. Do you seriously think hardcore Star Wars fans will file back up to the theaters to actually PAY for a movie ticket, minus the bullshit fancy popcorn bucket, decorative cup, and a low-budget lobby card that doesn’t amount to squat in the collector’s market, after a film as terrible as The last Jedi? You already had the amazing CGI technology, the big budget, amazing characters, the wondrous world of laser blasters, ships, and the slashing of light sabers. All you had to do what cut and paste together another epic story that joined some pretty interesting plot points that were previously laid out from A Force Awakens. [Granted, it was still not the most original film in the galaxy, but it had some promise minus the handful of situational reboots from A New Hope (Episode IV).] So I would like to know what the FUCK went wrong, so here it goes:
one of the first things, or rather prerequisites, you owe a Star Wars fan base is to deliver another epic connective trilogy, especially after you cash out four billion dollars from George Lucas. Do you see that word that I placed before the word trilogy: connective? The plot points, the characters, the quest for greatness, it ALL has to connect together in one hell of an epic tale for the sake of the story! Do you get that? You can’t just wedge a politically correct sub-story that exposes the crimes and corruptness of animal cruelty, an industrial military complex of black market weapons dealings for mass profit, child slaves of indentured servitude, and a soft inter-racial plutonic love story between a black ex-Stormtrooper and a Asian engineering geek that drives viewers away from the critical plot point at hand that concerns the survival of a rebellion that withstands a fascist dictatorial empire -in the slowest space chase in film history.
And what of the Jedi? Or actually the last Jedi? A rude, washed up old cleric that chooses to live in the shadows to “protect” a temple that is made up of distressed wood carvings, useless mirrored chasms, and at its core lies a library of five vintage books merely stacked on a shelf that anyone could just walk up to with a match or a blow torch. And what of our other scruffy hero Chewbacca, who was left to entertain a bunch of uninteresting penguin looking pigeons called Porgs in the face of Han Solo’s death, and if that ain’t enough, you took five seconds to fire up the most popular droid in the world, R2-D2, who was merely left to idle, again, but this time charging his battery inside the Millenium Falcon to replay a 50 year old hologram for Luke?: “Help me Obi Wan Kenobi???… Are you fucking kidding me?!!! And the icing on the cake or the pièce de résistance that contributed to the ruining of this film: who would have known that you can now fly in space, subconsciously, after getting exploded off of a ship’s deck, if you use the force, that is, -right Leia? And, if that still is not enough shit smeared on the walls of sadness, you totally mismanaged a very interesting and powerful new face of evil called Snoke, whose ill-fated death occurred at the incremental nudging of a 90 degree swivel of a light saber that was left on his arm rest. Is that really as epic as it gets people?!! I am not even gonna delve into the rest of the useless characters that were introduced in this film that took up valuable screen space and time, but one character is still missing, and I am not alone: Where the FUCK is Lando? Last I checked, Billy Dee Williams was on Dancing With The Stars.
I should have ripped my ticket at the entrance when I had the chance to.
Am I eager to see Solo? No.
Anyway, here is the supercut trailer of Solo: