Movies that should have NEVER been made!

05

It all starts with that pitch of a great idea that can be made for X amount of dollars.  The buzz gets around, the teasers start spewing out from all directions, and then comes the posters and the trailers, and we somehow find ourselves perched in front of a screen having to commit a couple of hours of our time to get entertained by a sea of idiots.  As the end title credits roll, we can’t believe we actually sat through that giant cinematic piece of shit!

This chosen list goes way beyond those horrible experiences.  It’s not just about taking a stab at unnecessary sequels like Superman IV, Police Academy 7, Matrix Revolutions, Caddyshack II … you get the idea… Even though they still sucked, at least they were attempts at continuing the interesting stories that we demanded more of as moviegoers.  These films that I have so painstakingly assembled, go beyond the fray of bad production, rotten reviews, and most of all, bad acting.  They are the enigma of human creativity at its worst,  when something is so bad, so so bad, that it tends to appear to be good to all the burnouts that are part of the Hollywood movie machine.  With all their talented marketing gimmicks, they have lured us into thinking that we could actually sit and watch their piles of shit.  It’s hard to believe that someone actually took the time to post all the plastic letters up on the marquis, so by the time the lights went up, the letters just got taken back down!

These films are So SO BAD that they are NOT posted in any order.  I will leave that sickening thought process up to you, but before you start scrolling down, you may need a hefty barf bag to keep you from splattering puke all over your walls and furniture, so without further adieu, LIGHTS, CAMERA, ACTION!

IF

From Justin to Kelly

The brilliant minds that have spoon-fed us some of the most pathetic pop crap, which they call music, thought that making a film with two American Idle winners would do the trick.  If you ran to the cinema for this epic tale, you need to lock yourself in the bathroom.

Spoiler Alert: Features both Kelly Clarkson and Justine Guarini on the soundtrack!

3-ninjas-high-noon-at-mega-mountain-movie-poster-1998-10202332473 Ninjas: High Noon at Mega Mountain

I said I would not mess with sequels, but how could you resist an epic action adventure with 3 middle class white boys as ninjas on an epic quest in an amusement park with wrestler Hulk Hogan.

Spoiler alert: There’s actual fighting and kicking.

91ogI3eKLzL._SL1500_Guido

An action adventure with angry people armed with guns and cars, and false pretenses of a gangster lifestyle.  Hey, I got it, why don’t we call it Guido.

Spoiler Alert: no appearances by Jersey Shore cast members.

4737Leonard Part 6

Yes, those are pink shoes on the Jello man himself.  I can’t think of a movie poster that has done less for a movie than this.  And they wrote Bill Cosby near his face -like we didn’t know it was him!

Spoiler Alert: Bill Cosby is a comedian.

1354432855_1_midiIn The Army Now

Note to self: MTV VJs should not be cast in any type of action hero military themed movies.  This movie is such a rip off of Bill Murray’s Stripes.  Did they actually think that Pauly Shore could pull it off?  Working title: In the Shitter Now

Spoiler Alert: All the guns had blanks.  (Darnit!)

097363359470fA Night At The Roxbury

Saturday Night Live has plenty of funny sketches, but how do you transform a mime skit into a feature length motion picture?  Simple: crappy acting, where Wil Ferrill does his best transformation as Owen Wilson, and Chris Gatan is the actual real life 40 year old virgin.  If you think the film is bad, wait till you hear the soundtrack!  If you like the soundtrack, rent or buy the film Guido [see above]

Spoiler: Notice the word Bury in the title.

airupthereThe Air Up There

I am not much of a sleuth, but I think I finally figured out what really killed Nelson Mandela.  This film made the game six degrees of Kevin Bacon much harder to play, and yes, white men can’t jump, but can actually coach.

Spoiler Alert: There are no NBA players in this movie.  We want actors damnit!

Can't Stop the Music movie posterCan’t Stop The Music

The only film ever made where you can see Bruce Jenner and The Village People acting on the same screen.  It’s right up there with Pacino and Deniro’s Heat performance. I am still waiting for the special edition Blu-Ray to drop.  Did I also mention that Death to Disco shirts were sold at the premiere?  Oh, and it has that Police Academy guy in it too!   Working title: Please stop the Fucking Music!

Spoiler Alert: After watching this movie, the IRS raided NYC’s Studio 54 nightclub!

Exit_Eden_MPWExit to Eden

Film fact:  the film started production as a serious lustful softcore borderline X-rated epic by some infamous European director in the tradition of 9 1/2 Weeks, but the producers were afraid that cinematic sexual encounters would bomb at the box office, so more than halfway through filming, they threw in these two, and made it into a comedy.  The two actors in the back were the original headliners.

Spoiler Alert: No unrated version found to date!

honeymooners_ver2_xlgThe Honeymooners

Simple: take a classic, and fuck it up!  Mimic the same nostalgic photo of the original show’s cast and you’re all set for cinematic disaster.  Pay your fare!!!  Working Title: Are you Fuckin’ Kidding me?

Spoiler Alert: June 10th, 2005 will go down as the worst date in Black movie history.

jack_frostJack Frost (The Motion Picture)

This has to be the most horrifying Christmas movie ever made.  The father, played by Batman, dies in a car crash and comes back to life as a scary ass snowman who can’t get laid, but his kid doesn’t mind at all cause he’s busy making snowballs out of him as he learns to understand the fundamental values of Xmas.  Working title: Why is Daddy Melting?

Spoiler alert: This film is not directed by Stanley Kubrick, but is scarier than The Shining.

LAMBADALambada

Crappy dance fad = crappy movie.  None of the actors were ever seen or heard from again!  This made all my thigh hairs stand up!

Spoiler Alert: Buy the soundtrack before you watch the film, and not after!  Don’t say I didn’t warn you!

land_of_the_lost_xlgLand of The Lost

As funny as Wil Ferrill is, he has made some pretty crappy movies.  I never liked the original Saturday morning show (Land of The Lost.)  It was the same shit every week: lost white people, annoying lizard people making weird ass sounds, same lost white people hiding in caves or behind rocks while getting chased by dinosaurs.  Hey,  why don’t we make it into a summer Hollywood blockbuster!  Great idea!

Spoiler alert: Where the fuck is Spock and Kirk when you need them the most!

posterRhinestone

The crashed up cab on the poster is an omen!  If you thought romantic comedies could be a real twist of fate, then all you need is the anti-christ of Scorsese’s Taxi Driver driven to hell by Stallone and Parton on the silver screen.  It was also rated PG, which disappointed a lot of Dolly Parton fans.

Spoiler Alert: Was originally titled Rocky 2.5

Soul_Man__1986_big_posterSoul Man

The older brother from the E.T. movie, C. Thomas Howell, decides to place a gun in the mouth of his career by playing a white guy who paints himself black to score a college scholarship.  Expect plenty of shoe polish.  Did not play in Compton.

Spoiler alert: Spawned the original idea for the song Dick In a Box

whitechicksWhite Chicks (The Motion Picture)

If you want to add to the horror of Soul Man, then look no further… I am sorry, but I cannot stomach this movie.   It might have worked with two real women instead of the Wayans brothers, but the whole trans gender thing goes too far beyond the comedic genre.  Working title: Chicks With Bigger Dicks

Spoiler Alert: Behind the white makeup lies an unforseen truth.

zeus-and-roxanne-movie-poster-1996-1020205206Zeus and Roxanne

About a boy and his dog.  Wait… About a boy and his surfer father who’s a drunk.  Wait… About a boy and his father’s pet whale Zeus.  Wait… About a dog and his whale of a friend Zeus.  Wait…About a blind lady with 2 girls who lost her seeing-eye dog to a whale named Zeus.  Wait… About a washed up actor, who is tired of making Police Academy movies who teaches his dog to play fetch with a whale named Zeus.  Or is the dog named Zeus?  Fuck it.

Spoiler alert: There was absolutely no CGI used in any of the action scenes!

pinkpantherteasePink Panther 2 (not just a sequel)

Steve, what the fuck were you thinking?  Did you think you could actually reprise the role made famous by Peter Sellers?  No wonder the French hate us Americans.

Spoiler Alert: Steve Martin plays the character of Inspector Clouseau.  (in case you missed it)

howard_the_duck_ver2Howard The Duck

A film by the man who brought introduced us Star Wars fans to Jar Jar Binks.  Yup, you guessed it!  Just goes to show that it’s impossible to make a film about a duck.

Spoiler Alert: “More adventure than humanly possible.”

171386.1020.AInspector Gadget

This esteemed cartoon character should have stayed animated.  Simple, or just MAYBE, get an animated person like Jim Carrey to play him, but Matthew Broderick?…please…  Bueller… Bueller…  At least he made up for it with Godzilla!

Spoiler Alert: The car is only in the film for 2 minutes

243914.1020.ASon of The Mask

Another horror flick that will shake the shit out of your kids.  Forget Jim Carrey and get a whole new cast, but keep the mask, and add a British guy.  Sure, it will work! Genius! Epic!

Spoiler: “From the director of Cats and Dogs”

10886455_800The Flintstones in Viva Rock Vegas

Yes, I know… another sequel has graced my list.  Take a crappy live action remake of a cartoon classic, ditch 80% of the original cast from the first film, and add a Las Vegas backdrop.  I want to know where the hell is Fred and Barney.  I didn’t see them in the film.

Spoiler alert: NOT a sequel to Elvis Presley’s Viva Las Vegas

lRvyb8zyOFPnTjy0VWgszYSa1kmHoly Man

More like wholly shit, that film sucks!  Another Eddie nightmare to add to his Worst Eddie Murphy films collector’s boxed set on Blu-Ray.

Spoiler Alert: Wholly shit, that film sucks!

Masters_of_the_universeMasters of The Universe

Same spectacle as Land of The Lost: take a crappy kid’s cartoon, add some Panavision lenses, and you have a summer blockbuster heralded with the genius acting of Dolph Lundgren.

Spoiler Alert: The same actor that ruined the Rocky, Punisher, and Superman franchises.

porkys-revenge-movie-poster-1985-1020362479Porky’s Revenge

Should say: “Getting Even at The Box Office Has Never Been Funnier!”  They destroyed the fat man’s strip club, broke his headlights, dented his car, and humiliated him.  All the Porky’s staff are out of work.  They should leave Porky alone!

Spoiler alert: No prolonged locker room dick scenes.

MV5BMTg2MTk2MzkxNF5BMl5BanBnXkFtZTYwNjg0NTk5._V1_View From The Top

Film fact: there are many rental stores and sites that are still trying to classify the genre of this movie.  If you know what genre this film is, please call 1-800-999-999x.  For some reason, the producers think it’s a comedy… possible prequel to Contagion.

Spoiler Alert: Mike Myers does not play Austin Powers in this film, so don’t get your hopes up.

the-cookout-movie-poster-2004-1020221582The Cookout

If there was ever a movie poster that would make me want to jump off a bridge, it would be this one.  They couldn’t even afford a real lawn for the shot!  C’mon! Did you actually think we would pay to see this shit !  Who the hell is Storm P anyway?

Spoiler alert: Special appearance by Queen Latifah!

Speed-2Speed 2

The official film to have jumped the shark!  Take a bomb movie plot prequel that takes place on a local bus, but now it’s all happening again to the same woman on a ship.  A delicate balance of cinematic surf and turf gone bad.  They will line up to see it ! Working title: Love Boat Outta Hell

Spoiler Alert: Tom Cruise is not in this movie as the poster states.

shanghai_surprise_ver2Shanghai Surprise

Sean Penn and Madonna light up the screen.  Let me rephrase that: I want to light up the screen on fire after watching this East meets West horror show.  Did not affect Madonna or Penn’s career.

Spoiler alert: There is no nothing Shanghai or Surprising about this movie.

striptease_1Striptease

An FBI secretary who loses her job and fights to pay the bills trying to win a custody battle for her daughter by stripping.  What a great plot for a Hollywood blockbuster.  Hi Demi!

Spoiler Alert: Bring plenty of dollar bills!

Troop_Beverly_Hills_R1-_cdcovers_cc_-frontTroop Beverly Hills

Shelley Long has left the number one show on TV for this script: rich, spoiled Beverly Hills wife who takes girl scouts to the shopping mall rather than the outdoors.  Who wrote this shit??

Spoiler alert:

“Where everybody knows your name
And they’re always glad you came
You wanna be where you can see
Our troubles are all the same
You wanna be where
Everybody knows your name”

robinson-crusoe-movie-poster-1997-1020235348Robinson Crusoe (Pierce Brosnan edition)

How do you go from James Bond to this!  Bad career move Pierce, but your beard is killer!

Spoiler Alert: Robinson Crusoe is not a homeless man on an L.A. beach

MV5BMjAwOTYxODI4OV5BMl5BanBnXkFtZTcwNDYxODIzMw@@._V1_SX640_SY720_The Dukes of Hazzard

Another crappy show aimed at middle America turned into a Hollywood blockbuster by the cinematic geniuses of Hollywood.  Willie Nelson smokes plenty of pot to pass the time with the rest of the cast.  No one told him it was a movie the entire time.

Spoiler alert: “Jackass” Johnny Knoxville turned actor gives the most stellar performance from the rest of the cast.

51TPS15XJXLLook Who’s Talking Now!

Take the famous comedy team of Travolta and Alley, add some talking dogs, and get ready for huge laughs.  You will come out wanting more than a line of blow after seeing this masterpiece.

Spoiler Alert: Last known comedy duo performance of  the comedy team of Travolta and Alley.

10306Larry The Cable Guy: Health Inspector

This is a documentary not to be missed!   It chronicles the trials and tribulations of hillbilly health inspectors and the rigors of what they endure in a dreaded society of moonshiners and gas station attendants.  A Larry The Cable Guy trilogy topper.  I’m still waiting for the director’s cut.

Spoiler Alert: Larry has a full set of teeth throughout the film.

211138-1020-aCop and A Half

Burt Reynolds finally ditches Smokey and teams up with a small child, lends him his Glock, cuffs, and badge to help him solve a murder.

Spoiler alert: Cut down from a R rating to PG after editor slit his own throat.

6114562Memoirs of An Invisible Man

Chevy Chase and Daryl Hannah team up to give a sultry, sizzling performance, as long as they can find one another in the process.  Pure Hollywood genius.  Just when you thought Chevy Chase’s career couldn’t get any worse.

Spoiler Alert: Starring Chevy Chase as the molecules.

013132440095Whiteboyz

All white cast, all black soundtrack.  If you thought White Men Can’t Jump.  In this movie, white men can’t act!

Spoiler Alert: No Asians are in this film.

8856021000787_fSlap Shot 2: Breaking The Ice

See if you could spot the retards.  Hint: it’s not the Hansons.  FYI, the Hanson’s are not all really brothers.  Only 2 out of the three are.  This film should have the name Slap Shot taken out from the title.  More like Slap Shit if you ask me.

Spoiler alert: Film made Stephen Baldwin a born again Christian.

adventures_of_pluto_nash_xlgThe Adventures of Pluto Nash

If Leonard Part 6 wasn’t enough, you’ve got Pluto Nash.  Please, stop messing with super heroes, or rather, stop making comedies about super heroes.  It has never worked!

Spoiler Alert: Not a Monty Python production.

But Wait, there’s more!

1434843-230680.1020.aThe Meteorman

Big Daddy Kane, Sinbad, Another Bad Creation, Marla Gibbs, and Luther Vandross: All in one epic adventure superhero movie.  Is that padding on your suit?

Spoiler Alert: The Chicago Sun Times liked it.

AfUamCool as Ice

Who said rappers can’t act?  Cool as Ice paved the way for LL Cool J, Wil Smith, Ice Cube, Eminem, Ludicris, Tupac Shakur…  Went straight from number one best selling novel to the screen.  This is white rapper typecasting at its best!  Bowie/Queen samples still not cleared.  Dude, where’s my bike?

Spoiler Alert: Cool as Ice’s Ice character is played by Vanilla Ice’s character.

americanreunion_wwAmerican Reunion

Why don’t we just follow this played out cast to the grave.  Next up: American Retirement.  American Divorce.  American Overdose.  American Death. From the makers of milf.

Spoiler Alert: The entire original cast signed on for this!

blues-brothers-2000-2Blues Brothers 2000

Take Men in Black and cross it with Uptown Saturday Night, and you have the most confusing relaunch of the original John Landis classic that makes no sense.

Spoiler Alert: Not a sci-fi movie.

Continental_divideContinental Divide

Take America’s number one comedic genius and land him in a dull romantic drama.  Seriously, there is not one line of joke in this movie.  They took the John Belushi out of John Belushi.

Spoiler Alert: Stick to what you know, kid!

escape-from-la-5222b1b632fcfEscape From LA

Shit just got real yo, but now it’s all happenin’ on the West Coast son!  So ya better get Snake up on that bike of his to take the bad out!  It’s gettin’ hot in here!  Whoo Whoo, dat’s the sound of da police!

Spoiler Alert: Next film in trilogy: Escape from Maui [Snake Pliskin in Hawaiian shirt]

cheech_and_chongs_the_corsican_brothersThe Corsican Brothers (Cheech & Chong)

At the apex of their pot filled career, don’t miss another installment of Cheech & Chong as they ditch their entire character personas, which made them the cult heroes of pot, as they take a swag at some fun-filled buckaneering action while acting as straight guys.  You will search for your ticket stub and some scotch tape!  The word dude is not mentioned once.

Spoiler alert: The sail ship is NOT made of weed.

cocoon_the_return_xlgCocoon: The Return

That Police Academy guy is back again, and so are most of the old people who beam back to earth in Cocoon: The Return.  Seriously, I thought they left!  Who called them back?  What do they want this time?  And why are there so many of them?  Did they run out of food stamps?  Maybe they drove all the aliens nuts up there.

Spoiler Alert: Better than Police Academy 6 & 7 (Police Academy goes to Moscow) combined!

Graffiti-BridgeGraffiti Bridge

On the contract it states that I must make a movie every time time I drop an album.  You see it?  Right there, right on the bottom.  Last page.  See it?  Next up: Batman.

Spoiler Alert: Morris Day and most of the cast still think it’s Purple Rain.

Joe-Dirt-2001-movie-posterJoe Dirt

My Name is Earl seems more like Casablanca when compared to this Spade comedic shit storm.  It actually offended hillbillies.

Spoiler Alert: Dog is not an actor.

street_fighter(1)Street Fighter

Yup.  That’s Claude Van Damme, and it looks like there’s a rave party happening on on the poster.  Nuff said!

Spoiler: A dramatic adaptation of the videogame.

ticksTicks (The Motion Picture)

What happens when you can’t make it to Petco or run out of some flea or tick spray?  Ticks.

Spoiler Alert: Ticks are actual size.

turk-182-movie-poster-1985-1020386166Turk 182

A NYC movie about a NYC graffiti writer who’s not from NYC or doesn’t appear to be!  No graffiti writer I ever knew even dressed like that!  No hoodie, no knapsack, no fat-tipped marker’s.  Just a man in a Hawaiian shirt on a mission to write his name on some walls.

Spoiler Alert: Filmed in Alabama.  No writers were harmed by police in the making of this film.

5696efce3d87358033a67f2c01af5232e8e00310Underdog

I would have rather seen Droopy Dog.  Underdog was always whack, and now they took a real dog, put him in a cape, and made him piss and shit on everyone!  He doesn’t even look like he’s into it!

Spoiler Alert: Seriously Disney, you couldn’t fucking wait for Pixar to take control of the situation?

afghan_knights_posterAfghan Knights

First Guantanamo Bay, and now this!  Any poster that says “… and Michael Madsen,” but has him right on the front and center on the poster is a clear cut piece of shit of film.

Spoiler Alert: Was originally going to have Tony Danza as lead.

Air_Bud_posterAir Bud

Another mistrusted use of man’s best friend, but this time he goes beyond the ark and brings it home as he shits and pisses all over the court.  I had enough of Teen Wolf… really?  Working title: He Shits.  He Strays.  He Scores With The Bitches.

Spoiler Alert: No Nike or Adidas endorsements here.

bela_lugosi_meets_a_brooklyn_gorilla_ver2_xlgBela Lugosi Meets a Brooklyn Gorilla

If you ever wondered why Bela Lugosi made B-movies for the rest of his Dracula life, look no further.

Spoiler Alert:  Is that a fucking chimp singing on the poster???

689f1173102454e0a54e9acc3611ac580e912fa2Herbie Fully Loaded

There is a shortage of movies with cars.  We need more movies with cars.  We need more re-boots of movies with cars.  From the people who brought you Christine Fully Loaded, Killdozer Fully Loaded, Death Race 2000 Fully Loaded, Maximum Overdrive Fully loaded, Knight Rider Fully Loaded and THE CAR Fully Loaded !

Spoiler Alert: Not the original Herbie actor.

Well that’s it for now!!!

They’ll be more to come.  I hope you will be wise enough to stay away from any of these titles, and don’t try that bullshit Cult Classic excuse gibberish!  These titles should have never made it off the script pile, but they all got in the wrong hands, and somehow got made.  Just look at all the really awful smell it created.  You got some big names, and that Police Academy guy.

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